Dance

“….and those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.”--Friedrich Nietzche

I first saw this quote on a  blogging site of a dear and sweet friend and it immediately evoked many trains of thought.  The author,  an intelligent though seemingly very disturbed man, is not someone I would regularly read or study.  I briefly Googled him and found him to be highly intelligent and very controversial and I doubt that I will investigate him further.  He did however, inspire my thoughts with his quote.

Mr. Nietzche wrote several controversial pieces on religion and God, and they were not favorable pieces of prose towards the Almighty, but this quote at once brought the spiritual to mind.  I feel that having a personal relationship with Christ would be the dance that un-believers cannot fathom because they have not heard the music. (I wonder if Friedrich would have found this amusing in it‘s irony). The song, the music, is in the heart.  There is an old hymn titled, “In My Heart, There Rings a Melody” and  it is that way with me;  I dance to the music in my heart.

In one of my daughters and my  favorite musicals, “Mama Mia”, “Donna” and a large following of women sing and dance their way through out the  island village with an abandonment of  rules and duties, it is light, carefree and the men stare in confusion at the women’s song and dance.  They did not hear the music.  When I left the theater with my daughters, I wanted to run and sing and dance because I so could hear the music! I mean, didn’t everyone?   I got in my car and drove away but still dancing in my heart.

Garth Brooks has a  hit song called “The Dance”,  the most poignant lyrics to me are “I could have missed the pain, but I’d have had to miss the dance.”  Life is the music, sometimes the tempo changes and  the mood of the dance changes but  if we listen  hard we will find the melody and continue the dance.  The overall dance is what we will remember, not the plodding, not the crying, not the trying of our patience but the melody of the dance.  Each of my children have been  my dance; each of my grandchildren; each of my family members; each of my friends and even though he always wants to lead….my parter has been a huge portion of my dance.  The sorrow of losing my mom to cancer; the joy of new born babies, sharing the agonies of children and loved ones,  swimming in a waterfall, the day to day events of normalcy, sharing a great cup of coffee with my fellow barbies…………….this is all my dance.

I will add that one should not necessarily feel sad for the people that do not hear the music because balance is a needful thing.  We get along, they thinking the dancers crazy and we thinking them unimaginative and sort of “staid” if you will.  :0p

As for me, think me insane if you must, but I am a dancer, I hear the music.  May I always hear the music.

That, as they say, is that..... (9-23-09)

I thought I would give it a shot.  I thought I would try to recapture family that had been lost to me for a long time.  I thought I would not hold back and try to be a part.  Even though I did not know most of them,,,I loved them because are family.
I was wrong to try.  I moved away for the very reasons that were so dreadfully evident tonight.  No one can self-righteously cut out your heart like family can.  (not my heart, i am a tough ol bird, but another heart that I love greatly).  There is no sitting down to discuss it, there is no desire to make it right, there is no love that transcends all wounds, only the desire to decimate the character of others.
And this is family?  No, I think not. 
Even the Christlike love we are to pattern ourselves after came under attack as folly and foolishness.
Maybe it is for the best that I remember most of my siblings as the youngsters I helped raise and leave it at that.  There is still my bff and my next-in-line bf and I cherish the friendship and  sistership.
I should have left it alone and trusted my instincts but I didn't and I am sorry for the loss,,,,,
they did not realize i was missing before,,, they will not realize it now...
but I still love them....they are family.

Wishful Thinking (written 11-23-10)

Jack of all trades, master of none.

One of my many oft used phrases is "a rut is just a grave with the ends cut out".  I get bored and need to see and experience things new.  I have lived in many wonderful parts of the country; seen and experienced things most people will never experience.  I have had many different/diverse types of employment from accounts payable to working in a cemetery.  I have directed choirs and produced large Christmas programs and competed in talent contests with solo singing. I spent three years as a volunteer fireman (woman) and EMT.  I have dealt with dead bodies and have had a few tussles with live bodies. I have hiked to the top of mountains and there gazed into turquoise lakes and I have seen the bottom of the barrel through a haze of alcohol abuse and drug use. I have a high level of tact and I hope, grace and yet I am a rebel at heart.  I have tattoos and I have many grandchildren.  I believe I have the soul of an artist.

I say all this, not in arrogance nor silliness.  I love nearly all the things I have done in my life, yet I find myself at a point in this life where I am not sure what good it has all done for me.  I  feel as if I can do nothing well.  I have few close friends, not much seniority in my job, I feel I excel at nothing. I feel like an alien in a room of people. 

I crave to create anything artistic yet cannot seem to start, finish or learn anything.  My children have moved on as children should do (even the youngest is to move out soon, yay), and I seem to know nothing that they need to know to succeed.  I would love, love, love to not have to work in the corporate world, to stay at home and create and make money with my talents, but I am also sure the time for that has long since passed me by.

It has been a tough, tough year for me and I feel as if there is nothing left for me but to exist to my end because I have not done anything of durable value. I get despondent thinking that this is all there is but it is not a pity party thing, I really feel lost, floundering.  

I guess it is the Catch-22 of my life; Jack of all trades, master of none, afraid that life has passed me by and there is nothing but waiting left, telling tales of my glory days to any unsuspecting person I can corral....but yet, there burns the inner desire to get that new tattoo, drive to Rhode Island because I have never been there, take up the paintbrush, and try to sell my quilts.

Wishful thinking....

Mr B's Graduation (written 7-11-08)

Last night Brent received his high school dipoloma.....and that is basically where my mind and my emotions stop for the time being.  He is the "baby" of the family so there is of course a roller coaster of emotions that go along with that.  I do not anticipate well, I do not like to plan big events and wait with excitement until they come to pass.  I pretty much live in the moment (sometimes to my own undoing) and the couple of weeks leading up to Mr. B turning 18 and then graduating been very emotionally charged.  Last night, the event was finally upon us and I was fine, no more anticipating, in fact, the only tears came at the end when he hugged me for a long time and said "thank-you", nothing more, nothing less but he could not have said anything that would have touched my heart more.
I am so ready for him to go and experience life, he is headstrong, independent and sure he knows it all, (hey, that sounds just like his dad and me) but I will so miss my "little buddy" who has been our life.  Tracy and I look forward to our alone time as friends which is something we have not had an abundance of in 24 years, but at the same time we feel a sense of loss that we are now a duet instead of a trio.  I don;t really believe that we will have to worry about going thru the "empty nest syndrome" or about being lonely as 6 grandchildren live 2 doors down and 3 more are a mile away and there are 6 or 7 more in Nebraska so there will never be lot of down time, and they have come back to live with us a time or two.
I see his coming of age and graduation as a circle;
 miss him already,
 can I help him pack?,
miss him like crazy,
knock out the wall in his room and enlarge our bedroom,
wonder if he is alright...............................
go ahead and spread your wings and fly little buddy, you know we believe in you.

Praise You in This Storm

One of my favorrte groups is Casting Crowns; their music and lyrics are a great witness in this day and age.  The song below comes to my mind so often after I read posts of friends who have had more than their share of heartbreak and hard times so I thought I would post it.  It has helped me more than once and I know it will help me again, maybe it will help someone else as well. I was sure by now God you would have reached down And wiped our tears away Stepped in and saved the day But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining As the thunder rolls I barely hear Your whisper through the rain “I’m with you” And as You mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives And takes away I’ll praise You in this storm And I will lift my hands For You are who You are No matter where I am Every tear I’ve cried You hold in Your hand You never left my side And though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm I remember when I stumbled in the wind You heard my cry You raised me up again My strength is almost gone How can I carry on If I can’t find You As the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain “I’m with you” And as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives And takes away I lift my eyes unto the hills Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord The Maker of Heaven and Earth Praise you in This Storm by Casting Crowns

Bie and Bu (written 8-26-08)

Tonight I FINALLY got my copy of an impromptu video Cathy and I made when she was here earlier this month. I still laughed as hard this time as I did when I saw it right after we did it. I do not have many close friends, who knows why, trust issues I think, but I would have to say that my sister Cathy is my best friend.

We are so much alike and so very different at the same time which may sound odd but that is how it is. One thing we can do is laugh. We laugh about everything, nothing is sacred. We can talk about anything and we don't always have the same thoughts but we can listen to each other and try to understand. We can share with each other, she is one of the few people I trust in the world. We have both had our share of lousy, dark crapola things happen in our lives and we can feel confident to share with each other.

She has a little more money than I do, I am generally broke. She is skinny and looks good in a bikini even in her forties, I am a chubby gramma that wears a modest, but stylish :0) suit. She is a comforter, I am courageous. She is in Colorado, I am in North Carolina. (big bummer). She tends to be a little on the insecure side at times, sometimes I can be too gung-ho-follow me boys!

Yep, we are different, but our hearts are the same. We both love life, color, music, nature, the OCEAN, our GRANDKIDS, and a many other delights of life. We love just being with each other.

Cathy, I love you and I thank-you for being my friend.

We are Bie and Bu.

Erin (written 8-28-2008)

Her name is Erin although she has been called Ernie, Rinrae, Airhead and when she was small we called her Babycakes---she will be 30 years old tomorrow.

When William was 3 and ½ months old I became pregnant again. I cried when I told my mom. I did not want another baby so soon. I was not ready. I did not even know if my troubled marriage would hold together and I did not want to bring another person into the mix if it was going to be a sour mix.

I knew I would have a girl and I wanted to name her Erin Rae after Ireland and my best friend. I did not know how hard it would be to bring her into the world. Unlike the birth of her sister and brother, I had no clue I was in labor. The nerves to my lower body were not working, and the doctor was surprised I was walking as well as I was when I came in for my scheduled appointment. I was admitted to the hospital and she was born just before 6 PM that same evening. The delivery was not bad but the nurse gave me a quick look at my baby and then she rushed her to the other side of the room where the team began working on her because she would not breathe. I knew I should be concerned but I was far away it seemed, I did hear the doctor tell someone to get help quick! It seemed I was bleeding to death. The Lord intervened and we obviously both made it. Erin was born and stayed alive and she was a dolly!

She was always a little bubbly girl with a happy little face.....that would cloud up and she would cry at the drop of a hat.Then the storm would pass and she would be happy and bubbly once more.

She is now a mother herself, of 6, count ‘em, 6 kids. Wild, beautiful, happy children. They are indeed blessings to their mama and their gramma.

Her married life has been a bit of a roller coaster and she is not now married. I admire her courage to stay and stick it out being a single mom. She has had a lot of help from family members, church members and folks she won’t ever even meet. God has blessed her little family.

Erin can sing like a lark! When she was younger we used to beg her not to sing since she could not actually sing a lick and now she is looking at a possible CD and furthering her career as a Christian singer.

She is holding down 2 jobs right now and I give her kudos for her responsibility in keeping the jobs and wanting better for her children.

She is a people person. She likes to talk and laugh. She has a heart for people. Older people love her because she takes the time to listen to them and make them feel special. She is a very caring woman.

She loves her youth group at church and they reciprocate her love.

She has a new boyfriend! He seems like a good man, and he better be! He seems to love the kids and he definitely loves Erin. I pray it is the right match that will bring her a life companion and friend.

Erin and I have VERY different personalities and at times she has greatly exasperated me. I have spent a lot of tears and prayer time for Erin. I know the prayers have been answered and are still being answered.

I believe she is maturing into a beautiful woman.

I know she loves her dad and I very much.

She can still cry at the drop of a hat!

Happy Birthday Erin, your mamma loves you very much.

William (written July 16, 08)

Today is my son William's birthday. He is 31. I recall on the morning he was born I watched Bugs Bunny cartoons as I timed the contractions that proclaimed his coming birth. It was a good pregnancy, I did not gain much weight, did not suffer the horrible morning sickness I had with the girls, I knew he was going to be a boy (no ultrasounds to give us the sex back then) I knew what his name would be. He was the first boy in a long line of girls in both sides of the family so there was much celebration in the birth of William Brainard.

He was named for his two grandfathers, but we called him Willie. I am sure he hated his middle name at times but as he grew older he knew he was carrying on the name of two great men. And he has done a good job.

He is a good-hearted man raised by a good-hearted man. A man that was not his birth father but loved him just as much and they are as close as father and son should be.

He is a man that will tell you he is a mama's boy with pride but that does not make him weak by any means. I know he loves his mama and it brings me a sense of security.

He is all male, but he is in touch with his feminine side:0).

He is a man that loves his wife and I have peace knowing how much his wife loves him. He loves children. The Lord has not blessed them with children but he wants desperately to be a dad, I think he will be a good one. They may be adopting soon.

He is very confident, a little bit redneck, an avid hunter and fisherman, a gentleman (older women always thought he was wonderful), a joker, a hard worker, and more than slightly accident prone. When he was younger he had books stashed all over the farm, and if you could not find him, he was off somewhere reading. He remembered everything he read and often got in trouble for correcting everyone even though he generally knew what he was talking about. He is a very intelligent man.

Like his mama, he loves life, he loves the beauty of nature and finds it no matter where he is. He loves animals, especially his dogs, big dogs that love him to death. He loves music and belts out odd bits and pieces of songs at any given moment (hmmm that sounds familiar).

He is a big man, a little too heavy, but tall and strong.

He has brilliant blue eyes that change with his moods. He and my grandgirl Tori have the blue eyes of my grandmother Juanita.

He loves Jesus too, but still sews wild oats now and then.

I am very proud to call him my son and I wish him many blessings and all the happiness his heart can hold.

Happy birthday Willie my boy! Your mama loves you very much!

Juanita (written April 13th 2009)

Nita, Juanita,

Ask thy soul if we should part

Nita, Juanita,

Lean thou on my heart

. (Jim Reeves - Caroline Norton)

Today is my daughter, Juanita’s birthday and that is the song we sang to her when she was little.

My firstborn, she was loved far before she was arrived in this world. She was such an intelligent little person and she constantly amazed us by learning and doing things far before she should have been able to.

She played first chair french- horn beautifully. I love to hear the sound of a french- horn at the symphony it will always remind me of that young serious girl.

All of that independence that made her such a special child also was a catalyst for some heavy duty ‘tudes in her teen years! We had some very tough times. She called me Mo-a-mom (as in Kadafi). Fun times.

She worked hard to pay for gas and insurance for her…white Camaro. A pretty longhaired blonde in a white Camaro that went by the name of Wild Juan! Yep! That puts a mama at ease!!!!

The girl that hated anything with ruffles or lace, or was pink in color, became a successful director with Mary Kay Cosmetics and was the epitome of femininity. Go figure! What made Juanita special was the way she truly cared for the women she came in contact with and dealt with everyone on a personal basis.

She left Mary Kay after about 10 years and went back to school earning her Associates degree with a 4.0, and it brought tears of pride to see her in her cap and gown. She is now working on her Masters.

I love to sing with her in a duet or in a trio with her sister Erin. We have a wonderful sound. It brings back memories of singing with my Mom and Grandmother.

So many times over the years, I have picked up the phone to hear her say, "Guess what I just did?", and it has never been anything small. She gets something on her mind and she makes it happen, it might be for herself or someone else (we have often been the recipient) and it is usually on a grand scale.

She is so pretty, bright, witty, intelligent, with a flair for style, and a tendency to be a little too serious, but her fun side is still wild when it surfaces.

If there is one thing I regret, it is that she had to endure my ‘dark years’. J saw so many things happen to her mom that a little girl should never see and though I have told her I am sorry for putting her through all of it and though I know she has forgiven me I will be forever ashamed of the emotional scars she may carry because of my addictions.

She loves Jesus Christ with her whole heart; she walks the walk’ and is often a source of blessing and encouragement to me. She is the director of media for a large church here in Jacksonville.

Her husband, Zack, is a Navy Chief and they are up for orders next January. I am pretty sure they will be moving away and it will be a very sad thing for me, but wonderful new adventure for her.

I think that the best way to honor Juanita, would be to liken her to the woman described in Proverbs 31; a loyal wife that truly loves her husband, a loving and devoted mother to three beautiful children, and a dedicated, professional business woman. She has goals and dreams and she knows that God, her husband and family are all part of any plan she makes.

I got to spend the day with her today on her birthday and it was lovely.

I love you Neeter, Happy Birthday!

　

　

　

　

　

The Kids are gone, let's play in the pool. (written June 13th 09)

Muggy!!
Heat and around 95% or higher humidity is what we are having here. The heat is not bad, around 88 to 90 but the 95% humidity makes it feel a bit warmer than what is actually posting on the "dog" thermometer. (For those of you who have seen a "dog" thermometer, I think we are in the dead dog range).
We picked up 4 of our grandgirls from day camp/care and gave them a ride home and Anna, the youngest, asked me, "So what did you decide about the pool, gramma"?
"Was I thinking about the pool, Anna? "I thought you was deciding if we was going in it?" and yes, I am pretty much a softie, they ran home and put their suits on. They came back and got in the pool along with our other grandgirl, Grace, who stopped in to play in the water also. We adults, sat in our comfy chairs, drank ice water, and yelled at the kids from time to time to keep their hands to themselves and "quit screaming, for the love of Pete!" :0)
Soon, they all went to their respective homes for dinner.....T looked at me and quietly asked if we were now able to play in our pool.
Ahhhh, cool, clear, water (water) as Marty Robbins would say, or croon. We played for awhile and I mentioned that I really needed to go to the beach and we should go soon.
Sooo, T made the spontaneous decision that we should go to the beach this evening. T is the grounded one so I am indeed impressed when he decides to do something in the spur of the moment. We dried off, slipped on some street clothes, grabbed our tandem beach chair and headed down Highway 17 in the silver jelly bean toward our little spot at North Topsail (pronounced Topsul) Beach. It was, of course, so much cooler there. The wind was unusually strong and the waves were capping quite far out and pounding the beach. Great! It was near dusk when we arrived and we set up our chair, poured a couple of glasses of liquid refreshment and watched the wild sea in front of us and a lightening storm high in the clouds to the north of us. We sat and talked and watched until dark and then returned home relaxed and at peace with the world.
No one phoned, no one posted a note on our door, it is very probable that no one even knows we were gone, Every so often one of our kids, usually the younger 19 year old, makes the statement that "we are so predictable" and "you guys never do anything"... sometimes we defend ourselves but mostly T and I just make eye contact and give each other that little smile and keep it to ourselves. (I think it gives them comfort to know we are "always here for them. :0)
Once again, my hair is an out of control curly mess and I am peaceful in spirit.

Peace, Serenity and Kinship (written Aug 18, 2010)

There are two wise and loving souls that abide here. One is a free spirit, so filled with passion that she can erupt into unbounded laughter or tears of sorrow at the whim of the whirlwind of the soul and spirit she has been given by her Creator. The other is wise and caring; a talented “fixer”, never intruding but always there ready to bolster or comfort. His quietness is not weakness, it is his overwhelming strength.

Together, they create and build; each being an artist in their own talent and craft, and what they create has a harmony that flows and welcomes any and all who would take a moment to rest and partake.

They are not perfect but I would be a wretch to look at or for any flaws. The Lord has restored them to me and they provide a place of peace, a sense of serenity, and security of kinship that completes who I am.

They make me want to reach out and learn more, create more, love more…..to be a better person.

I love them with all my heart.

As one of my own..

I was there when you were born, held you in my arms, and I have watched you grow into a beautiful young man.

You are not my own, but you are in my blood, you have always been as one of my own in my heart.

My heart is now torn, bleeding from the events that have blindsided an entire family, changing them forever.

You are not innocent in your part of the catastrophe and you will be held responsible in one way or another for years to come and that in itself breaks our hearts.

But I want you to know, I love you.

I will never stop loving you, for you are as one of my own.